It’s
strange that so much can change in a year and yet nothing changes. Last year
was my friend Helen’s hen do and I was sitting on a beach looking into the
ocean thinking of my grandpa and how much I missed him. Today is no different
apart from I am not on the beach.
I
don’t think the pain of losing someone you love so much ever goes. I am lucky
enough to have not lost many close people in my life but it really scares me to
think of how hard it is when you do. When I was 18 I lost my Granddad, a really
amazing healthy fit man who we all thought would live to see 100. There was no
warning when we lost him, it was a complete shock. It was the first really close
family member I had lost and my reaction to it was surprising. On the night we
found out I was extremely upset, obviously, but the following day we all met up
round my Aunties and I could not cry. I felt like I wasn’t upset enough, I must
be an awful person.... I really struggled with my reaction as I expected to be
crying for days. When my Grandpa died I was different again. I expected the
first day being full of tears and then for them to dry up but for days
afterwards just the thought of him got me upset and it took a long time for
that to ease.
With
my Granddad I was younger and I felt like he had gone to be with his love who
died around 15 years before him. With my Grandpa I knew it was the right time
and he was in pain but it was harder to accept because my Grandma is still here
in the same house and it just brings up fresh emotions every time we go there.
I don’t necessarily think that is a bad thing but I do think the grief stays a bit
more prominent when you are faced with something so familiar that suddenly
becomes so different.
Like
I said last year, the best thing that has come out of losing the head of our ‘Peake’
(amongst other last names) family is that as a unit we are so much closer than
we were before. As a family we were always strong but we took each other, and
our good fortune at having such a great family, for granted. Now we understand
how important it is to say ‘I love you’ whenever we can, to make more effort to
see each other, to take time here and there just to drop each other a message
when we are thinking about each other and really appreciate what we have.
Death
is never going to be an easy thing for anyone and when you love someone so much
it becomes a crippling pain that is hard to get past. Every time I go back to
Gloucester I am hit with a wave of nervousness because I know what feelings are
going to be brought up. However, to still have that reaction, after 2 years, is
a comfort because it proves to me how truly and deeply I loved my Grandpa and
no length of time will stop me missing him.
Whatever
you believe about where you go after you die doesn’t really matter as long as
while you are here you live a life that would make your loved ones - and family
you’ve lost - proud. I believe, as a family, we all do that every day.
In
my heart I believe my Grandpa, wherever he may be, is happy, comfortable and
content and that one day we will all be united. But for now we just have to
keep remembering to be there for each other, look forward to our future and
work on ourselves as people.
Us Peake's are lucky to have a great foundation and that is
because we had a great man start such a great family. An interesting and funny
man that could entertain SO many children and a loving man that created such a
loving, caring family unit – Our Gramps.
Big
love to one of the biggest, most loving, emotional and crazy families. I feel
so lucky that I got lumped with you all J
RIP
Gramps xxxx