Ground hog day

As most people know, in September 2011 I went in for surgery to have both my big toes broken and straightened. It took 6 weeks in weird shoes to heal and then months in flat shoes trying to get my feet used to working like normal.

In February I managed to wear heels to my friend’s wedding – it was a big deal for me and I was SO excited to be getting back to normal.

In April 2012 I broke my big toe on my left foot. I was told to rest it for 6 weeks and it would heal normally. 6 weeks later I was told that it wasn’t healed so I had to wait ANOTHER 6 weeks. During that 6 weeks I realised my toe was bending and a lump was appearing. When I went back to the hospital I was told that I was right and my foot was healing at a bend because of the pin that was in my toe from the September operation. The Dr knew I was getting married in November so on Thursday 21^st he told me I should have surgery straight away to remove the pin otherwise my toe would set wrong and eventually have to be broken again.

I went into surgery on Monday afternoon (Monday 25^th) – I think it was the quickest I have known surgery to happen! The surgery went well (so the Dr’s said) and I am now into the third day of the healing process. It is BORING. I am back to sitting in my room, waiting for my foot to heal. Ground hog.

The anaesthetic hasn’t worn off yet, yesterday I was like a zombie and could not stop falling asleep, today I am more awake but have been fighting nausea all day and really dizzy spells. I hate that feeling, I just have to keep lying down and try not to focus on too much.

To top it off, it is boiling and I have to wear a knee high sock to go with my amazing Robocop boot. I never want to complain about the heat because we deserve a bit of summer, but talk about bad timing! I don’t want it to go and will suffer in the heat but it has meant today has not been a great day in my world.

I don’t know how long this operation will take to heal and how long the robo boot will be with me but I find that out Monday. This week I am just trying to rest at home.
If on Monday they say 6 weeks healing then that means I can’t drive for that long, again. So that means working from home for that time.... I am so bored of working from home because I did it for 8 weeks last year and it gets old fast! I am really not looking forward to it.

Some people think that working from home is a real treat and I guess once or twice it is but not all the time, the motivation really gets sucked out of you. There is only so much enthusiasm you can get from being at home all day without any company, nothing changes everyday is the same. I don’t know how people do it. Enjoying working, for me, is really about the people you work with and I love my team. Being at home just makes me feel separate from the world.

I feel lazy not being able to do anything apart from get dressed in the morning and that makes me feel rubbish.

However, as much as I am dreading it, if they say no driving for 6 weeks I won’t drive for 6 weeks - I am not going to risk messing this up again! I refuse to have another operation on my feet. So if keeping my leg elevated and wearing the boot for the next 2 months is the cure then that is what I am going to do. I am just not looking forward to it.

Check out Robocop boot – it is really comfortable and discrete.... 

Common sense or plain paranoia?

I would say I have a lot of common sense; I am a very aware person when it comes to being safe and not doing anything that would put my safety at risk. By this I mean things like walking home alone in the dark, going somewhere with a stranger... things like that. I never thought many women would do those things but I see girls walking home, alone in the dark, all the time.

I will admit that in the winter, sometimes, it is really not easy to get anywhere when it is light and if you normally get a bus and then walk from the bus stop after work then you will be walking in the dark for a quarter of the year. However I would try to find a way around that if it was me.

Before I learnt to drive I had to walk to the bus stop. I was constantly worried and checked everything, if someone was walking towards me I would panic that they might do something to me. I once made my younger sister walk me to the bus stop through the alley near our house rather than walk it alone. I would cross the street to avoid walking through/around groups of people and would walk so quick to make the journey over as soon as possible. Everything outside, when I am alone, scares me. Driving has made me much more independent... to a point. I can go places alone now as long as I can drive there. It is the walking around alone that seems to be what really gets to me.

I get the train to London a lot for work which means I park in a car park near the station (Aren’t car parks quite scary places in the dark? I hate them). That is fine. As soon as it comes to getting the train home I spend the journey thinking about when I get off the train exactly what I will do to get to my car as quick as possible. Get keys out ready, hold key outwards in case someone approaches me, walk as quick as possible without running and causing attention to myself, make no eye contact (again to avoid attention), don’t look around, don’t get phone out, hold onto bag tightly in front. Is this the way other people think?

When I go into London I keep my phone in my pocket so that if anyone mugs me and takes my bag I have my phone to be able to contact someone. I fight very hard with myself not to do that with my purse as well!

I know that I might be a bit of an extreme, paranoid some might call it, but I am terrified of being approached by someone and threatened. I know exactly why I am like this; my poor dad put the fear of god in me when I was younger. He used to tell me and my sisters that if anyone grabbed us we have to scream as loud as we could - DO NOT STAY QUIET. He would show us defensive moves, and tell us if we didn’t fight and they got us to their car then we might not get away so make sure to put up as much of a fight and make as much noise as possible. He was being a good dad and trying to make us aware of what could happen. It wasn’t his fault that I am the type of person that would be influenced by that in a bad way. I majorly worry about it and am nervous of everything. My little sister is aware but she doesn’t get scared so easy. She will walk from her car to the train and back without panicking – she knows to be careful but doesn’t let it control her life. I actually worry more for her, if I know she is coming home in the dark I will make her text me when she is at her car and then wait for her to get home before I can sleep.

The problem is I don’t know how to stop my brain from clicking into the worried. I try and think, just walk slower, don’t rush, breath, it’ll be fine. And it is. But I am still so worried about it.

I have always said that if I could have a super power it would be to be Bionic so that no one could really hurt me! Flying would also be kinda cool... J

The reason I thought about this is because I had a conversation the other week about this sort of thing, one of my friends said that her friend went running in the woods on her own and she said that that was silly and risky when her friend disagreed. When speaking about it most of us agreed it was a risk but we got talking about it and I said even running along the road worries me and I worry about walking from my car to my house in the dark and they all said I worry a bit too much!

I know being conscious and aware is the best way to be but I don’t know how to strike a balance where I am aware but can also relax!

If anyone has any tips of how to control my worries – PLEASE SHARE!! x