I have never been a positive person. I am not ultra negative but never realised until recently that my reactions to things always are negative.
I am the sort of person that would rather assume I didn’t get the job, even if the interview went amazing, and then have a nice surprised if I did, then to think I did get the job and then get the disappointment if I didn’t... That to me made so much more sense than this positive thinking – why would people want to risk disappointment?
But I have been sitting across from my friend Lee Anne at work who is just so pleasant, smiley, friendly and positive and I realised that I used to be called ‘Bubbly’ and felt like a nicer person then I do now. I started realising how grouchy I could be, when someone at work would ask me to do something, straight away I would think of problems in doing the task. It read on my face because I very much wear my heart on my sleeve. So if I am not happy about something, you can tell. I didn’t think you could tell, I thought I managed to hide it from people but I have recently been told that they can see if I am not happy about something. I hated that. For me, being called bubbly etc was nice because it meant that people saw me the way I wanted them too. To be told that they know exactly how I feel makes me upset because I am constantly fighting with myself to not be that person.
So my new year’s resolution was to be more positive, it is hard going! I knew it would be because it is never easy to break a habit but I now catch myself thinking negatively and try and tell myself to stop. I feel like I am getting back to the person I was, before I started working, a bit more. Ever so slightly I feel like the annoyances I feel can be caught quicker so they don’t show and I can get myself past that feeling.... If someone asks me to do something I try and be positive and when I actually manage to do that I feel so much better in myself!
You would think, the fact that I know that reacting better to things actually makes me happier, it wouldn’t be so hard to do it all the time but it is. Today, for example, I woke up shattered and just felt grumpy. It is really hard to then fight those impatient feelings you get when someone asks you a question and you REALLY can’t be bothered to answer or to get up the energy to answer in a nice happy way.
I am really trying though. I guess that is the most important thing, I keep trying to be better and then hopefully one day I just will be that person I want to be.
1 month down and I have both good and bad days, days when it comes easily, days when it doesn’t but I keep trying.
I think if I can catch myself thinking negatively quickly, then I can actually get to the point when I naturally think more positively. That is what I am working towards.
So New Year’s resolution, 1 month in, it’s hard but I am still doing it and that for me is a positive J