Complacency

Yesterday there was a huge accident on the motor way, lots of cars were involved and the motorway was closed... needless to say it caused havoc all around the area because people were trying to find ways into work. It was a horrendous accident that resulted, unfortunately, in at least one death – though I don’t know the full details so it could be more.

It got me thinking about the responsibility we put on ourselves and others every day when we drive. Since I have thought about this I have noticed how many times I could have been in an accident just coming to and from work (5 miles) because of someone else’s stupid mistakes or my own impatience.

We all get complacent in our driving, you do it every day and normally the same routes so things just become habit but if you actually think about it, every time you get behind the wheel you are putting your life, your passengers, other drivers, cyclists and pedestrians in danger.  By saying this I am not trying to scare or change anyone but it is amazing that we are so at ease about the whole thing. You get people who can’t even get on planes because they are scared of it falling out of the sky but the dangers on the road are so much more risky!

The other day a cab driver got so impatient trying to turn into a road that he just started reversing, I was already going around him before he started so I couldn't stop and luckily he spotted me otherwise he would have backed straight into the side of me, wouldn't have been a major accident but a major inconvenience! And yesterday morning going to work I was going around a roundabout, indicating, and a girl decided to pull out in front of me! It was like she decided not to wait OR that she didn't see me, luckily (again) she slammed her brakes on and I managed to get past without any incident.  When I passed I looked at her and she didn't even acknowledge that she had done anything wrong so I really am not sure she was aware! That is a worry.

I think because I had a minor ‘accident’ it has made me a little more aware of all these little mistakes people make, including myself, that could result in something awful happening. I had a lady drive into the side of me while I was going around a roundabout. Initially she tried to blame it on me saying I cut her up but after I pointed out that there wasn’t a chance the marks on my car could have been made unless I was ahead of her she quickly backed down and said it was fine and we didn’t need to change details etc.... anyway because I was in the right and did nothing wrong – I was indicating, there was no one coming from the left and she was in place when I set off – it made me realise that you can have a accident just because other people are not concentrating on what they are doing...

I mean you really don’t know who you’re going to encounter on a drive, people get so frustrated by cyclists that they make stupid, impatient decisions that could result in accidents. In the same breath, I see so many cyclists breaking rules and almost causing accidents themselves. I had numerous kids run out in front of my car near where I used to live, they just didn't seem bothered by the fact they were almost run over and yet I am sitting in my car heart pounding thinking about what would have happened if I had actually hit someone – it is a scary thought. Even if it isn't your fault imagine if you were involved in an accident where someone died, I can’t imagine I would ever be the same after something like that!

My aim now that I have noticed and thought about all these things, is to make sure I think more about my surrounding and try to lose the impatience I have when I drive – if I know that I have done all I can to drive safe I can’t be held responsible if there is an accident. You can’t stop the way other people drive but you can try to be better yourself.... maybe a motto for life in general too J

Peace on the roads people – take care, you’ll get home eventually so why not do your best to get there without incident J

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions

I found my resolutions that I made this time last year so it inspired me to get the old blog up and used again!

These were mine last year:
- Think Positive
- 2 weeks no dairy
- Work on patience
- Get back into an exercise routine
- Save as much as possible
- Stairs not lift at work
- Start using my blog

The last one COULD be what inspired me to write this blog... who knows :) 

I think I did ok at these, I mean lets be honest we make them and we break them usually quite soon into the year. I know how people feel about resolutions, that they are pointless because of the above. However I have decided to look at them in a different way, I am definitely someone who needs targets. I need to have something I have to do and a time scale to do it and then I will get it done but if I don't have that then I won't bother. So I class these as my 'targets', an aim for the year.

Think positive - probably my hardest, I think I have made a good start and hopefully made some changes to my way of thinking because of this resolution. BUT it was the hardest and I definitely didn't manage it all the time so I can't say I completed it. I am happy with the little change it has made so that should be good enough. It isn't going on my list this year but that is because I think I should now be able to make it a part of every day life naturally rather than putting it back on my list as a 'to do'. 
2 weeks no dairy - well I did this in January and actually managed to go the whole month so that was good. I definitely noticed a difference, and even though I have been weak since and not done it again, it is my intention to do it for longer at some point this year and really test the effect it has. For anyone who doesn't know me this isn't just a weird diet or anything, I have stomach issues and for years have tried to find out what is causing them. That is my reasoning. Again not on my list but something I will do this year and if I get the results I think I will then it will become something I have to make part of my life permanently.
Work on Patience - Broken. Next.
Get back into an exercise routine - NAILED IT. I think I have done more exercise, training, fitness in the past year then I did when I was training for the London Marathon back in 2011! And the thing is, I love it! I have written blogs on this subject but I definitely believe that getting to the gym makes you feel so much better in yourself. I was excited for January this year as it meant getting back to the gym and back to getting fit. A few weeks off set you back unbelievably so you really have to push yourself to get back into it but if you can then it is worth it.
My moto is simply 'you will regret it if you don't' and I stick by that, when I can't be bothered to go to that gym class or go for a workout I just remind myself of that moto and it gets me down there. The thing is it is so true, you plan to go to the gym but decide to drive home eat and laze about on the sofa you WILL regret that you didn't just take that time to get to the gym first, it makes the food and laziness afterwards so much more rewarding :)
Save as much as possible - Well all I have to say is wedding day, honeymoon, house. All done and no debt (apart from the mortgage of course) Dan and I managed to save (with wedding contributions as well) £85k for all 3 things and honestly it was worth every second of saving. I feel like my life has started, people talk about wedding blues but not once have I felt them. I had the best day possible on the 2nd November, we had great weather, great food, most of our family and friends made it and everyone danced - we literally could not have asked for more. Not once did the day feel like it zoomed past too quickly so I haven't felt the need to go back and do it again. I remember it all and I had such a good time that there is no way that doing it again could ever top the first time!  The honeymoon was once in a lifetime and it was amazing, it was a long time and we got so much out of it and did so much with the time we had that again I don't feel the need to go back and do it again (though I would love to be sitting on a beach in Fiji right now rather than in grey England but you know what I mean). I will do separate a blog about the wedding and honeymoon as I feel they need more than a few sentences!
As for the house, well never did I think that 1) we would be in our house for Christmas 2) we would afford the area we live in and 3) that would we manage to get a house with 2 bedrooms, conservatory, garage.... I am absolutely in love with it and feel so lucky and content at the moment. All I want is be at home, I don't want to leave there to go to work, go out ANYTHING. When we first got there we had no spare time to just be there, now we have a chance to just sit on the sofa together and watch TV and it feels like heaven! :) So yeah this was my most rewarding of resolutions to complete and we did it.
Stairs not lift at work - Broken at times but mostly stuck to it. I did adapt it to walking UP the stairs rather than up and down as that seemed too much :) and I did have a operation on my feet in November so that is when I broke the resolution. It isn't the best resolution but hey I did it and that little bit of exercise didn't hurt...well actually it wore me out every time I climbed the stairs at work!
Start using my blog - Well I did do this through the year and even though it hasn't been used for about 6 months I definitely enjoyed posting up my thoughts and get peoples thoughts back. It isn't a popular blog and it isn't going to break any records but I enjoyed doing it so am going to TRY and do a post a month (at least) this year. Writing has always been a passion of mine and even though I may never write a novel or get a job that involves writing this little blog gives me that outlet, a hobby to feed the cravings. Plus writing a blog is so much less demanding! So if you read my blog then look forward to more over the year people :)

And that's it for last year. Aims this year, I jotted down on a post it on my first day in the office (maybe putting them in black and white where people will see them will make me too proud to break them):
-Go somewhere new this year that is on my list of things to do before I'm 30
-Complete and pass a course (nutrition/fitness)
-Get a hobby I am passionate about and enjoy
-Make Dan's 30th special
-Make it to our 1 year anniversary..... that's a joke :)

Anyway time to get on with these resolutions! Happy New Year everyone xx

Sunshine

The Sun

Isn’t it amazing the change in people when the sun comes out? Everyone seems happier; the world seems like a better place, people are more social. I love it.

It makes me think that most people do suffer slightly from SAD, maybe not in the winter because I guess you are more prepared for the rubbish English weather, but in summer when we are all hoping for the sun and we get months of rain and grey cloud. It really is disheartening.

On Sunday the weather man decided to change his mood and give us all, in the south, a lovely hot summer’s day. It was just what everyone needed I think. My Facebook wall was FILLED with posts regarding the sun and pictures of people out in it making sure they didn’t waste it.

It was my birthday which made it SO much more special J Sitting in the sun in a coffee shop just being happy to get some Vitamin D for the first time in what felt like years.

Not sure about anyone else but I have definitely been feeling low these past few weeks, for various reasons, and I do think the weather being dreary and grey doesn’t help but seeing the sun yesterday has really changed my mood. I just feel happy and positive and excited for the rest of the year, and I know that this sunny weather may only last a few days but at least we get a bit of a break from the grey and it gives us a bit of hope that we may actually get a summer after all....

So for the time being, while it lasts, I am going to try and make the most out of this sun and I am definitely not going to complain about the heat, even with my casted foot getting hotter and itchier by the day!

 We’ve waited too long for this to waste it, time to get out your favourite summer clothes and get them worn before the weather changes and we are back in our tights and jumpers. 

It’s time for pub lunches, drinks by the river, long walks, short skirts, sandals, no cardi’s, sun glasses, driving with the windows downs and the music up – what can be better?

Bring on the summer for however long it lasts J xxx

Ground hog day

As most people know, in September 2011 I went in for surgery to have both my big toes broken and straightened. It took 6 weeks in weird shoes to heal and then months in flat shoes trying to get my feet used to working like normal.

In February I managed to wear heels to my friend’s wedding – it was a big deal for me and I was SO excited to be getting back to normal.

In April 2012 I broke my big toe on my left foot. I was told to rest it for 6 weeks and it would heal normally. 6 weeks later I was told that it wasn’t healed so I had to wait ANOTHER 6 weeks. During that 6 weeks I realised my toe was bending and a lump was appearing. When I went back to the hospital I was told that I was right and my foot was healing at a bend because of the pin that was in my toe from the September operation. The Dr knew I was getting married in November so on Thursday 21^st he told me I should have surgery straight away to remove the pin otherwise my toe would set wrong and eventually have to be broken again.

I went into surgery on Monday afternoon (Monday 25^th) – I think it was the quickest I have known surgery to happen! The surgery went well (so the Dr’s said) and I am now into the third day of the healing process. It is BORING. I am back to sitting in my room, waiting for my foot to heal. Ground hog.

The anaesthetic hasn’t worn off yet, yesterday I was like a zombie and could not stop falling asleep, today I am more awake but have been fighting nausea all day and really dizzy spells. I hate that feeling, I just have to keep lying down and try not to focus on too much.

To top it off, it is boiling and I have to wear a knee high sock to go with my amazing Robocop boot. I never want to complain about the heat because we deserve a bit of summer, but talk about bad timing! I don’t want it to go and will suffer in the heat but it has meant today has not been a great day in my world.

I don’t know how long this operation will take to heal and how long the robo boot will be with me but I find that out Monday. This week I am just trying to rest at home.
If on Monday they say 6 weeks healing then that means I can’t drive for that long, again. So that means working from home for that time.... I am so bored of working from home because I did it for 8 weeks last year and it gets old fast! I am really not looking forward to it.

Some people think that working from home is a real treat and I guess once or twice it is but not all the time, the motivation really gets sucked out of you. There is only so much enthusiasm you can get from being at home all day without any company, nothing changes everyday is the same. I don’t know how people do it. Enjoying working, for me, is really about the people you work with and I love my team. Being at home just makes me feel separate from the world.

I feel lazy not being able to do anything apart from get dressed in the morning and that makes me feel rubbish.

However, as much as I am dreading it, if they say no driving for 6 weeks I won’t drive for 6 weeks - I am not going to risk messing this up again! I refuse to have another operation on my feet. So if keeping my leg elevated and wearing the boot for the next 2 months is the cure then that is what I am going to do. I am just not looking forward to it.

Check out Robocop boot – it is really comfortable and discrete.... 

Common sense or plain paranoia?

I would say I have a lot of common sense; I am a very aware person when it comes to being safe and not doing anything that would put my safety at risk. By this I mean things like walking home alone in the dark, going somewhere with a stranger... things like that. I never thought many women would do those things but I see girls walking home, alone in the dark, all the time.

I will admit that in the winter, sometimes, it is really not easy to get anywhere when it is light and if you normally get a bus and then walk from the bus stop after work then you will be walking in the dark for a quarter of the year. However I would try to find a way around that if it was me.

Before I learnt to drive I had to walk to the bus stop. I was constantly worried and checked everything, if someone was walking towards me I would panic that they might do something to me. I once made my younger sister walk me to the bus stop through the alley near our house rather than walk it alone. I would cross the street to avoid walking through/around groups of people and would walk so quick to make the journey over as soon as possible. Everything outside, when I am alone, scares me. Driving has made me much more independent... to a point. I can go places alone now as long as I can drive there. It is the walking around alone that seems to be what really gets to me.

I get the train to London a lot for work which means I park in a car park near the station (Aren’t car parks quite scary places in the dark? I hate them). That is fine. As soon as it comes to getting the train home I spend the journey thinking about when I get off the train exactly what I will do to get to my car as quick as possible. Get keys out ready, hold key outwards in case someone approaches me, walk as quick as possible without running and causing attention to myself, make no eye contact (again to avoid attention), don’t look around, don’t get phone out, hold onto bag tightly in front. Is this the way other people think?

When I go into London I keep my phone in my pocket so that if anyone mugs me and takes my bag I have my phone to be able to contact someone. I fight very hard with myself not to do that with my purse as well!

I know that I might be a bit of an extreme, paranoid some might call it, but I am terrified of being approached by someone and threatened. I know exactly why I am like this; my poor dad put the fear of god in me when I was younger. He used to tell me and my sisters that if anyone grabbed us we have to scream as loud as we could - DO NOT STAY QUIET. He would show us defensive moves, and tell us if we didn’t fight and they got us to their car then we might not get away so make sure to put up as much of a fight and make as much noise as possible. He was being a good dad and trying to make us aware of what could happen. It wasn’t his fault that I am the type of person that would be influenced by that in a bad way. I majorly worry about it and am nervous of everything. My little sister is aware but she doesn’t get scared so easy. She will walk from her car to the train and back without panicking – she knows to be careful but doesn’t let it control her life. I actually worry more for her, if I know she is coming home in the dark I will make her text me when she is at her car and then wait for her to get home before I can sleep.

The problem is I don’t know how to stop my brain from clicking into the worried. I try and think, just walk slower, don’t rush, breath, it’ll be fine. And it is. But I am still so worried about it.

I have always said that if I could have a super power it would be to be Bionic so that no one could really hurt me! Flying would also be kinda cool... J

The reason I thought about this is because I had a conversation the other week about this sort of thing, one of my friends said that her friend went running in the woods on her own and she said that that was silly and risky when her friend disagreed. When speaking about it most of us agreed it was a risk but we got talking about it and I said even running along the road worries me and I worry about walking from my car to my house in the dark and they all said I worry a bit too much!

I know being conscious and aware is the best way to be but I don’t know how to strike a balance where I am aware but can also relax!

If anyone has any tips of how to control my worries – PLEASE SHARE!! x

Grandpa

Grandpa

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the passing of my beloved Grandpa, Harry. It feels surreal that it has already been a year as I can remember the whole day like it was yesterday.

I can say, honestly, the 26^th May 2011 was the worst day of my life so far. You just can’t begin to prepare yourself for something so traumatic and emotional even if you might know it is coming.

My grandpa wasn’t very well, he almost died in Florida back in November 2004 and from then he really struggled with his health. He was so strong though and for 7 years battled through and was still grandpa, still told us stories, still said ‘thing-me’ after almost every second word, still sang us songs from when he was in the war... he was always fun to be with.

In 2010 he did start getting much worse and he was finding it harder and harder to walk and do things on his own. I think, in a way, it was good that this happened as we made sure to see him so much more in those last few months – it should never be a case of you see your family more when you realise you might lose them but unfortunately that does happen and I can only say that I am so glad we had that chance to spend time with him before he passed away.

The last few times we saw him were really brilliant. I saw him about a month before with my sister and he sang us songs from when he was in Italy and told us stories I hadn’t heard before. He remembered so much and I always found that amazing that he was remembering songs and words in other languages that he hadn’t spoken since he was in his teens!

The last time I saw him was about 2 weeks before and me and Dan spent the weekend with him and grandma. He talked so much the first day we were there that by the evening he was losing his voice, he said it was the most he had spoken in ages :o) Dan had the really clever idea of secretly filming him while he was telling stories and I still have them now. I even got him telling the story of when he first met grandma! Probably one of the best things we did, filming him, and at Christmas I gave everyone of his children (my uncles and aunties) a copy of the videos so whenever they really missed him and just wanted to see him or hear his voice they could.

I think one of my biggest frustrations when my grandpa died was thinking that no one understood how hard it really was.

He was one of the best men I have ever known. A hero, a strong but really kind man who was a constant source of comfort and joy in my life.

We grew up spending every Christmas with our grandparents, every November we went to Florida with them. When my mum and dad went away we spent time with them in Gloucester. Grandma & Grandpa’s house was a second home and I always felt excited to be visiting. You get to know the smell, it is so familiar and every time you entered their house or hug one of them you just got that smell. I have two of my Grandpas shirts and I still can smell the smell of the house on them. The feeling a smell can give you is incredible, it just brings back all these feelings and memories.

On the morning my Grandpa passed I was driving into work and I remember looking at my phone and thinking ‘if my dad calls me now my grandpa has died’ – 45 minutes later I got the call from my dad. I was in the office and as soon as he told me I could not control myself. I was inconsolable and heartbroken, for me, from my dad, for my family and for my grandma.

The positives though were that Grandpa died in bed, asleep next to my grandma. Probably the way most people would hope that a love one would pass away. As a family we have all got closer and Grandpa has made us really realise that you have to make the effort to see your family, they are the people who will always be there and it is so important to not forget that.

So this blog is for my family. Today is going to be hard for every one of us, Grandpa was the head of the family. We Peake’s are a strong group, we have each other, we have love and we have our memories. Nothing will ever take away what we all, individually, felt about our Grandpa/dad. We all have our own stories to tell about him and we will never stop telling them.

I love my family, together we got through that day and every day after without him. Without you, without that support, it would have felt like a loss without any gain but at least I can say that we are closer now than we ever were before. I love you all and I am thinking of you today.

I think the reason my Grandpa’s death was so hard is because I loved him so much, the more you love the harder it will be to say goodbye. But I will never stop loving people so much because that is what makes life great. If you didn’t let yourself feel that much love for someone then what do you have? The world is a really horrible place sometimes and knowing that you have a family that you love more than anything else is the only reason to keep going. It may be harder to say goodbye when they leave you but the memories are so much stronger.

Grandpa – you remain in my heart and thoughts every day. I love you.

Not so positive

When I first started this blog one of my posts was about positivity and that I was trying to be more positive. I feel like I was keeping it up, not as strictly as originally but still good.

This year was going awesomely, had such a good year so the positivity challenge wasn’t so hard. To top it off, in march I got myself back into a great gym routine which made me feel great and saw me going to the gym at least 5 times a week. Happy days. I even got in the Gold list of people that had been to the gym most in the month in March, I have only been as high as silver before so that made me happy! 22 times in a month GO ME!

Any way this blog isn’t a nice positive ‘my life is awesome’ post, which I am sure some of you are glad of! This is about when my positivity got tested.

To end March off me and some of my favourite people in the world all went away to celebrate our friends 30^th birthday in a big old country house. There were 24 of us and it was great, the house was amazing, company was as well. Just good times all round. Then after midnight DISATER struck! (This is not a shreddies ad but I couldn’t resist)

I was going up some stairs, which ordinarily doesn’t prove to be a challenge, and I managed to kick one step and bend my big toe under. Again this doesn’t seem like much but because of my stupid foot op in September my toes have not been able to bend as far as a normal person so it was forced into an unnatural position. Needless to say it hurt.

Anyway I was calm and just asked for someone to find my sister, the professional sports therapist – complete trust and faith was put into her abilities to heal me. However my little sister was a little too worse for wear to really be trusted with this task but rather then say that she continued, as professionally as she could, to PULL my toe in case it was dislocated. Now I am not going to really be able to convey to you the utter pain this caused but I will give it a go, it FUCKING HURT! Now I don’t like to swear in writing – feels more real that way – but man alive was it painful. Seriously was probably one of the worst pains I have EVER experience which probably makes me quite lucky in a way but I honestly think my appendicitis was easier to cope with and that lasted me 14 hours! But yet the story is not over, after the pulling happened I fell into uncontrollable tears and was being soothed by about 6 people when my sister said she needed to do it one more time.... once hurt, twice and I was done. I don’t think I could even deal with the pain of the second time so I have blocked it from my brain but the tears got worse and I had to be carried to bed while my foot got more and more swollen.

The next day I couldn’t walk on it and I spent the rest of the weekend hopping about! Still had an awesome time just on one leg. However by Sunday, when the swelling hadn’t gone down and the bruising got worse, my sister said that I might need to go to the hospital as it could be broken. Dan and I spent 2 hours in A&E on Sunday night to find out that it was indeed broken, right where the pin in my toe is. Sad times.

Monday I couldn’t go to work as couldn’t drive with it and when I woke up Tuesday I had a sore throat, it got progressively worse and I felt rubbish by Tuesday evening. All Tuesday night I was up hot and cold and Wednesday I came into work feeling like death. They sent me home at 11. I called the Dr’s as my throat was so bad and got an appointment for Thursday, the same day I also had to go to hospital to get my foot checked at the fracture clinic.

Slept awful on Wednesday night and woke up feeling terrible by Thursday morning. Got to the Dr’s (why am I always about 20 minutes early and the Dr’s are always at least 10 minutes late?!) and the guy took one look at my throat and said I had ‘Acute Tonsillitis’. I have never had that before in my life and honestly wouldn’t wish it on anyone as is just horrid. Anyway I was prescribed antibiotics and sent on my way. Then I had to get to the fracture clinic for my 11am appointment, got there about 10 minutes early and was seen at 13.15 – I KID YOU NOT! I was so ill and in so much pain that by the time I was seen I could barely lift my head L Anyway turned out my toe would heal ok but I had to wear my special operation shoes, which are just disgusting, for 3 weeks and then go back for a check up to see how it healed 5 weeks later.

It has been 5 weeks.... I am seeing them tomorrow and unfortunately my boots were lost so I have had to have it heel whilst using my foot almost as normal so not sure it will have heeled properly L will know tomorrow in any case.

I have had a few other knocks in the past month, which I won’t go into, and it has really got me down. I went through a great few months and then BANG my health was hit, then the next thing and the next thing....

Annoyingly as well the broken toe meant I haven’t been able to exercise properly for these last 5 weeks which is just bumming me out because I was being so good and got so motivated and now I have had to stop for a month... feels like it has seriously affect my fitness, my motivation and my happiness!

I am having a hard time keeping positive at the moment (not sure you can tell that), I am trying it is just hard when things keep happening to test me. I thought I was done with the foot thing, back to normal. Now to be back in that position again, but without any warning, is hard. I know I am almost over with it now and it was just a broken toe but it just feels like the start of a load of negative and I am so worried how everything will turn out.

I just have to keep thinking of what is good I guess – got to drag myself into my ‘beginning of the year mind’ set!

At the moment though, for a short time I’m sure, things just suck a bit.